“Probably, indeed, the larger part of the labor of an author in composing his work is critical labor; the labor of sifting, combining, constructing, expunging, correcting, testing: this frightful toil is as much critical as creative. I maintain even that the criticism employed by a trained and skilled writer on his own work is the most vital, the highest kind of criticism; and. . .that some creative writers are superior to others solely because their critical faculty is superior.” T.S. Elliot
Almost 4 weeks that I am in San Diego now. I think that my friends think that I am on vacation. When I will return, people will ask me “What have you been doing in all this time?”. So, to decrease any potential jealousy: This is not vacation. I am preparing a Grad School application. I am using my non-money-making time right now to prepare another future. On a daily basis, I wake up at 6am and about 1.5h later, take the car to go up north to UCSD. There the daily quest for a parking spot comes to a new episode. Some can be short and I find myself at around 9am in a class or an office at Warren College. I chose to audit two classes. The profs are accommodating and encouraging. They do not expect people who audit to meet all class requirements. I will write about my class experiences in a different post.
At Warren college, I work on my statement of purpose or the GRE exam. This has taken most of my time up until this point. Given the fact that I would have had the exam already last Friday and that I rescheduled it to tomorrow, why am I sitting here, writing a blog post while I would actually have to continue preparing? The obvious answer is: procrastination. The other answer is: distance. I had a series of small breakdowns during the last days. The reasons are manifold. I will certainly write another blog post about that. One is very strong and that is, of course, the fear to fail. The fear to ruin my application by performing very badly. Fear is usually like this: you deal with a topic over and over. Then you become more aware of the topic. You deal with an exam. The more you deal with an exam, the more it makes you aware that you can totally nail it – or totally not. In short: I started to panic. And stopped focusing. Panic and focus only go well together for people like Jason Bourne. And since I do not have 5 different passports and at least as many identities, today I thought, start focusing again on the one I have. Focus and distance are close to each other.