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New space

This little brain, in this skull, neuroscientifically flexible to achieve all sorts of states, among them focus and non-focus, helas!, and everything in between. Where am I right now? I shrug. Again. Loosing the ability to judge myself, is that as sign of a non-focus state or a focus state or something in between? If I cared, I wouldn’t shrug my shoulders.
I’ve come along a way of meticulous decision making, reasoning, calculating the odds as a usual user of a bounded rationality would do – and end up with results that the same user will get. Something between experience, thus prediction, and the unforeseeable unlikely future. Yes, I know, computers can do better. Next time, I’ll ask one for support. What I missed to process though in my past in order to get good data for a prediction is just unfolding on this continuum between the focus and the non-focus. I predicted growth, materialistic growth, mental stability growth, self esteem growth, independency growth, literate growth, option control growth, letting go ability growth. Financial bubbles burst, so do buckets of unprocessed thoughts when all they mean to do is lead to growth. Splash.
So now what? Well someone has to clean up this mess. One thing I do not shrug my shoulders upon. Its the only, fucking only, truth that catches my attention (the German idiom captures that actually more tangible: it pierces my eye!). I didn’t come to see and to triumph, from this viewpoint, I came to see that time carries material, and also growth. I came to see that time carries decay, and also new space.

Absolute Beginner

The valley has been dry, long and desperately silent. Going back and back and back eventually might sum up into what comes next. The pending state of being in a (US) state really has a huge impact on perceiving the steps between the one back and the other as a torture. No, I have not wasted my time but I am tired of sorting things out, hesitating, thinking. I know, I have always been and then I found something to step on, to start with, to step forward until the thoughts came back. I revised this pattern and instead of starting something new again, I decided this time to take up the old aims, ideas and projects and go a little further. Like when you almost ran a half marathon and stopped just before you were able to. Now you have to start pretty much from the beginning but the learning curve will be a lot denser and eventually lead to a level that can be tagged as intermediate. No absolute beginner, nevermore!